My 5 mum fails of the week

  1. Forgot the bastard Harvest Festival until the moment we were leaving for school.  Had to send child 1 with a rusty tin of kidney beans and child 2 with a box of lasagne sheets.  Thank fuck the local food-bank don’t rely on self-absorbed arse-holes like me for donations.  Oh wait, they do.
  2. Got the following message from the teacher in child 2’s reading record: Have given S these books for another week as he said he has not read them yet.  Yep, I’ve had over a week to read these with him and I’ve not even taken them out of his bag.
  3. Put child 2 in the wrong boxer shorts on Wednesday.  You see, it’s P.E. on a Wednesday.  It’s of paramount importance to him that he wears a particular pair of boxer shorts on this day so that his bollocks don’t come out at the sides when he’s getting changed in front of his friends.  Let’s just say I was entirely to blame for the inevitable free-balling situation at changing time.
  4. Used Grand Theft Auto as a baby-sitter for my 5-year-old whilst I applied fake-tan.  To be fair I put it on mute.
  5. “Recycled” school uniforms for 4 days in a row and will almost certainly send the buggers in the same attire tomorrow.